Just to cut the sap: screw you

In February of my third grade year, Mrs. Reilly decided that her 23 eight-year-olds weren't getting along well enough. Winter had been dragging on a little too long, learning penmanship was a little too hard, playground time was a little too short. One afternoon she sat us all down, had us fold pieces of construction paper the hamburger way, and put our names on the front. Then we passed them around the room and everybody wrote one nice thing about the person on each card. I loved it. I'm a sucker for the warm fuzzies, and who doesn't like praise?

Well, summer has been dragging on a little too long, going to work every day is a little too hard, and sleep is a little too short. I can't make my friends sit down and make compliment cards, but I can tell you what I would put on each of their cards. I'm going to, too, because too often I tease them without telling them what I really think:

M2: My most trusted, compassionate confessor, the one person in the whole world to whom I can say anything without being judged. Also a snappy dresser.

E2: Hands down the funniest kid I know—seems to have an instinctive knowledge of just what quips and expressions will crack me up. I thought he should be a stand-up comedian when I was younger. Smarter than he thinks.

M3: A lot of things I could say, but she is so unflaggingly loyal to her friends. It's staggering sometimes.

Tex: Seriously unafraid to say outrageous stuff, even if it's offensive or controversial. I admire his honesty.

E3: More passionate about everything than I am about anything. We're like oil and water, but I'm still proud of and impressed by her drive.

M!: I think everybody has one friend who is just around to teach them things, whether it's the rules of hockey or what's funny or just how to be a better person. Or the miracle of how someone who eats so many Cheez-It's isn't orange.

S: If there's anybody in the world I want to be more like, it's S. She's smart and practical and strong, but her compassion and empathy are boundless. Also, she's beautiful enough to be Miss America, which makes me jealous.

D: Put up with more of my crap for longer than anybody rightfully should have. Accepts me just as I am and expects no more of me than what he knows I can give. The purest kind of friendship.

E4: I am so excited to watch her play basketball because her dedication is almost palpable. She's such a hard worker and so strong, even when she's not getting the playing time she deserves or the breaks she should. Her integrity spreads out from there.

So anyway, my friends are supergreat, yadda yadda yadda, we now return you to your regularly scheduled abuse and sarcasm. I know there're probably people I've forgotten who mean a lot to me, but I can't do everybody right now; my teeth would all fall out of my head from the sheer sugar shock.