Tuesday, July 12, 2005

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n."

Today has been a shitty day.

Well, that's not entirely true. It was going along pretty decently there for awhile; I was getting some work done, listening to good music, and I had a nice lunch. And then about 4 o'clock someone made a random comment to me (I won't repeat it because it was entirely too contextual to be relevant here), and that quickly the day was shot.

I don't know about you, but once I've achieved a bad mood, nothing can make it go away except for an extended private sulk and about eight hours of sleep. Not even the violent downpour and subsequent twin rainbow over downtown this afternoon had any effect on my mood. And you know how I love the rain.

So here I am, fully immersed in my private sulk, which in this case seems to be listening to Kasey Chambers and writing about how SOME people are EXTRAORDINARILY thoughtless and apparently need to have NEEDLES shoved into their KNEECAPS before they finally GET it. (Don't worry, said people don't read this blog. I'm not even being passive-aggressive here. I haven't gotten that far in the sulk.) Unfortunately, this isn't the good kind of sulk, where I can feel self-righteous about how I done been wronged; my feelings are hurt because what Jerk #1 said was true. Asshole.

Anyway, that's the scintillating story of my evening. I'm going to go find some crabby food (probably ice cream) and contemplate the pitiful state of my life. I'll return you to your regularly schedule sarcasm and good humor tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

"This is the true story of two people, picked to work in an office..."

Erin: I did thoroughly enjoy Slate saying the French have got to go.
M!: Yeah - the Tour de France would be a lot better with less of the French involved.
Erin: As would most things in the world.
M!: Indeed.
Erin: Maybe we just need to start paying more attention to the Giro d'Italia.
M!: That might be a way to go.
Erin: I like the Italians better than the French.
M!: Me too, but I like the race less.
Erin: Why?
M!: It's not as long, so there's less drama, for starters. I like the French countryside.
Erin: Bleh.
M!: Which I'm sure looks shockingly similar to the Italian countryside for the most part.
Erin: I hate France.
M!: But still. Maybe if they swapped . Like the French run the Giro and the Italians run the Tour.
Erin: Right. Well, I'm kind of intrigued by Austria. Maybe they should just do more of that.
M!: Gradually put more of the race in Austria? Until it's all there?
Erin: Well, that, or just pay attention to the Tour of Austria until the Tour de France essentially goes away. But either way. Austria. It's gorgeous, it's grueling, and the Austrians are aggressively organized but not mean.
M!: Okay, get on the phone with Europe and float that idea out there.
Erin: The Austrians would love it. Seriously, it's like the best idea ever. Austrians even dislike the French.
M!: Who doesn't dislike the French?
Erin: Um...the Canadians?
M!: I guess. They like everybody.
Erin: Yeah, but they have a more than casual tie to France. Also, I think Palestinians like the French.
M!: That's odd. the French supportive of Palestine?
Erin: Yes. They hate the Israelis because the Americans like them.
M!: So it's not so much a legitimate ideological stance as it is them being contrary? That's a pretty lame way to structure your foreign policy.
Erin: "Well, we're not gonna. We're gonna have a sandwich." Well, I'm sure it has some other things--the French are somewhat anti-Semitic. Way more than the Germans or the Austrians, actually.
M!: Hm. Maybe someone needs to go smack France around again to shake some of that superiority off.
Erin: Dude. Everybody in the world has delivered a smackdown.
M!: I think the US is about due to give them another one.
Erin: But it just gives them an inflated sense of self-worth.
M!: Not if they're all gone. How long has it been since we've shot at French people?
Erin: Too long! What actually needs to happen is that the entire Earth needs to ignore France.
M!: Exterminate the French!
Erin: Hm. Then what do we do with France? Are you proposing that we just break it off Europe?
M!: We could divide it up amongst the surrounding countries.
Erin: Yeah, that's going to be a smooth process that won't irritate the English or the Italians at all.
M!: The English had their turn having lots of territories. Same with the Italians/Romans.
Erin: Maybe we should give it to somebody that would infuriate everybody. Like...Papua New Guinea.
M!: And besides, if your country was ever Facist, then you're automatically out of the running. Italy: out. Germany: out.
Erin: Austria. Communists should probably be out, too.
M!: Yeah. So it leaves like, the Portuguese.
Erin: You don't like my Papua New Guinea idea?
M!: Sure.
Erin: Portugal killed a lot of Indians.
M!: What if we expanded Luxembourg to a ridiculous degree?
Erin: Or Liechtenstein. Or maybe we should give it to a lot of displaced minorities and watch them fight it out while filming a new reality show.
M!: Awesome!
Erin: So, like, American Indians, Israelis...Taiwan, and...the Aztecs.
M!: "Watch what happens when people stop being (whatever they say on Real World) and start committing genocide."
Erin: Polite?
M!: There you go.
Erin: I think it should go, "Watch what happens when people stop being oppressed and start committing genocide."
M!: That works too.
Erin: Oh, Nepal. Nepal should be there. They'd be like, the sleeper. Who spends most of the show trying to get everyone to calm down and be Zen, and then sneaks in and wins it all at the end.
M!: Now with the Aztecs, could we combine them with the Mayans?
Erin: Sure.
M!: Because I think that would cause a lot of internal friction.
Erin: And make for good t.v., yes.
M!: Right.
Erin: And of course, the whole thing will be picked up by Fox.
M!: I don't know - it's a pretty big undertaking. I think the Survivor guy should do it, and I think he's got an exclusive deal with CBS.
Erin: Hm. Maybe Regis would host.
M!: Intriguing.
Erin: He's about due for a very irritating comeback.
M!: Yep
Erin: I like it. Let's work up a spec script and send it to George W. and Regis's people.

Erin: Next on the agenda: fixing major-league baseball.
M!: I think the Nationals nee Expos are doing a good job of that.
Erin: True story, but I think the NL Central needs to ship a team to the AL West, and a new DH rule needs to be instituted: if your team wants to use a DH, the pitcher he's batting for has to stand in for one free bean ball.
M!: I like that.
Erin: He can wear a helmet, but no armor.
M!: Does he get a bat or does he just have to stand there?
Erin: I think he just has to stand there. He's apparently too much of a weenie to wield a bat on his own.
M!: Is there going to be a rule for pitch speed?
Erin: No.
M!: Can he move?
Erin: No, it's a free bean ball. He has to take it. I think the only rule is "don't aim for his face."
M!: Or does he have to keep his feet planted?
Erin: It's like a free shot.
M!: Wow.
Erin: Feet planted, for sure. He can maybe move his torso to mitigate broken bones.
M!: This sounds like a recipe for an exploding DL.
Erin: Well, maybe people will think twice about using a DH, then.
M!: Does the rule apply for pinch hitting in the NL?
Erin: No, because that can be strategic.
M!: Very well then.
Erin: Hm. Or we can let the fans throw eggs.
M!: Pies
Erin: Eggs are way smellier.
M!: But pies are funnier
Erin: Eggs hurt more.
M!: Fair enough
Erin: Although really, there's no reason not to do both. And they can just sell them in the stands. For throwing convenience. Eggs for $1, pies for $5. It's a huge money-maker.
M!: Yep.
Erin: Well then. Any other baseball issues that need our attention?
M!: How the Astros have gone from being awful to just mediocre.
Erin: Evidently they got tired of sucking. They had a meeting in the clubhouse and were all, "Sucking sucks. Let's not do it anymore." And everybody nodded.
M!: But they're not so interested in being good yet.
Erin: Baby steps. They beat San Diego; I thought that was promising.
M!: Indeed.
Erin: Or a fluke, it's unclear.
M!: And Roger is throwing ridiculously.
Erin: Yes, it's sad when you're 7-3 but your ERA is under 1.50. If your ERA is 1.41, you should be 15-0.
M!: Yep. Lots of 1-0, 2-0 games will kill you.
Erin: Very true. Interestingly, the Yankees won their first game with less than 3 runs this weekend. I hope they continue to be mediocre.
M!: Yep.
Erin: It warms the cockles of my heart.
M!: It'll be nice if they learn that a bunch of high-paid, old superstars isn't the way to win.
Erin: Yes. Although A-Rod is hardly old.
M!: No, but he's a douchebag, so that's kind of the same.
Erin: True story.