They put an addictive chemical in their juice that makes you crave it fortnightly, smartass!

It's impossible to get normal orange juice. I'm not exactly sure when the orange juice revolution started, but I tried last night at the grocery store to get it, and I stood there for a good fifteen minutes trying to decide what I wanted. Even in the store brand, my options were: No Pulp, Low Pulp, High Pulp, No Pulp with Calcium, No Pulp with Vitamin E, and So Much Pulp It's Solid and You Will Have to Consume It With a Spoon. Regular Pulp, or better yet, Plain Ol' Orange Juice, was nowhere in sight.

These options are not about giving the consumer what she wants. No, this is actually a conspiracy (I suspect the Florida Department of Citrus is in on it) with a two-step approach:

1.) Building consumer self-esteem through an excess of options. This is the principle laid out by Tom Hanks's character in You've Got Mail: "The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, et cetera. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing, or who on earth they are, can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!" Orange juice is the same way, but with a twist (pun intended). You have to do the mixing yourself. Leading to tactic two of the conspiracy:

2.) Sell more orange juice by not providing all of the correct options in one container. What I really want is Some Pulp with Vitamins C & E, Not from Concentrate. Of course, this is not available in one handy container. No, I have to buy High Pulp and No Pulp with Vitamin C and No Pulp with Vitamin E, and mix them together in the correct proportions to get juice that's drinkable and up to the standards that I've established for myself in step 1.

So, I urge you, rise up against this abuse of our insecurities! Drink something with fewer options! Like...um...half-and-half! Perfect.