If I can find somebody who doesn't freak out when I read the last pages of novels while waiting to check out, an indecent proposal will be forthcoming.

So I've decided to institute a test for all new friends, starting now. If you want to be my friend, you will, at some point early in the relationship, be taken to a bookstore and turned loose. To pass the test, potential new friends will have to exhibit the following behavior:

Camraderie: must be willing to spend several minutes picking up interesting items, showing them to me, and then putting them aside to look at my interesting item. May occur at any time during the shopping experience.

Tolerance: will not laugh/mock mercilessly when I pick up romance novels, In Style Magazine, children's books, or anything with a book club sticker on it.

Intolerance: will laugh/mock mercilessly bizzarely titled items on the sale shelves, books by Laura Schlessinger, any other ridiculous "self-help" books, and anything in the "Idiot's Guide" series.

Independence: will go away and leave me alone when I become engrossed in something. (Bonus points if potential is easily found again.)

Patience: should be willing to spend an hour or more browsing without complaint. If tired of browsing, must wait patiently, asking no more than once if I am ready to leave.

Unpretentiousness: will not complain that giant bookstores are "the man, keeping the independent retailer down," or that used bookstores aren't nice enough, or that independent bookstores don't have a wide enough selection. A true new friend will simply enjoy the experience of being surrounded by books and will make the best of the location.

Frankly, not a lot of people will pass this test. M4 and Sr. Birdman might be the only two people in the world that could pass on every part of every point, which is not surprising — my love of books and book shopping is clearly genetic.

So if you think you've got the stuff, let me know. Perhaps we'll have coffee at the Barnes & Noble café.