An Idiot's Guide to Classroom Behavior

And by "idiot," I mean "freshman."

Today was the first day of classes for the spring semester, which, barring a cruel act of God, will be my last as an undergraduate. After six full semesters at Rice, I have a few things to say about how people should behave during class. I realize I'm preaching to the choir or to people who aren't even in the church anymore, but it will make me feel better.

1. Arrival. If you're going to be late, sit in the exact geographical middle of the classroom. (Measure if necessary.) If this means you have to climb over twelve people while the professor is trying to explain a very important theory that will appear on the midterm and the final but never be mentioned again in lecture, so be it. You deserve to sit in the middle of the room. Be sure to put your ass in as many people's faces as you can while making your way to a seat; people always appreciate that, especially first thing in the morning. (For professors: if you're going to be late, make sure you are more than ten but less than fifteen minutes late, so as to raise hopes of a walk to fever-pitch, only to dash them at the last second. Do not explain or excuse your tardiness.)


2. Participation. Raise your hand as often as possible, particularly if you have nothing intelligent to say. Everybody wants to hear your voice as much as you do, so under no circumstances should you sit quietly and take notes. This is only for boring people who have done the reading and want to hear what the professor has to say. People will be mightily impressed if you talk at least twelve times in a fifty-minute lecture. Some of them will probably want to date you. In fact, they will be hard pressed to keep from ripping your clothes off right there if your comments are only vaguely related—or better yet, completely unrelated—to the lecture or the class in general, or if they repeat verbatim something somebody else has just said. Bonus points if that somebody was the professor or if the repetition has been made more than once. If this is impossible, fall back on simply contradicting the professor or the last person to speak. Be unable to support your claim. (Profs, encourage everybody to participate by calling on people at random and humiliating them if they don't know the answer. Students respect you if you're an absolute hard-ass—show no mercy. Let all-stars and people who have no clue talk as often as they want, especially if they're repeating what you've just said or contradicting you outright.)


3. Nourishment. Eating in class is not only tolerated, it is encouraged. You should try to take all your meals in classes, if possible, and discussion classes are preferred over lectures, with labs preferred over both, of course, because the Bunsen burner will take care of any nasty spills. Speaking of spills, if you do happen to tip your tasty beverage, don't worry about it. It will eventually evaporate, leaving no sticky residue or nasty stain, and nobody will notice in the meantime. As far as your food selection goes, it is best to eat things that are especially crunchy, such as carrot sticks. This will demonstrate the fabulous musculature of your jaw and provide a lovely background noise for the lecture. Bonus points if you can eat your food out of a bag that makes delightful rustling noises. This is why Doritos are the preferred snack food in classrooms everywhere. (If you are eating and giving the lecture, you are quite possibly the most gifted human being alive. Demonstrate this talent as often as possible. If you don't have time to run to Subway before class starts, a pack of gum will do. Chew all five pieces at once, while talking. Spit. If you prefer to eat in private, make sure nobody else in your class eats, either. Berate people who do. Make them cry. This rule is especially good for classes held at noon.)


4. Communication. There are many ways to communicate with your classmates and professor, but the best method is by cell phone. Leave your cell phone on at all times, and make sure the ring volume is turned up as high as it will possibly go. Set your ring tone to something perky and fun, such as "Mexican Hat Dance" or, if it's Spring Semester, "Jingle Bells." Then, arrange for a friend to call you during class, or better yet, a few friends to call you at regular intervals. When your phone rings, look confused, take a good sixty or ninety seconds to answer it, and then carry on a brief conversation. Hang up, report to the class who was on the other end and what he or she wanted. This allows your prof and fellow students to see how important you are. They will respect you more, and you will get a better grade. If you don't have a cell phone, the class listserv is a perfectly acceptable communication alternative. Treat the listserv as your own personal discussion forum. Make announcements about your personal life, especially if they are a) entirely unrelated to the class topic, and b) a little too personal. For example, "Jimmy Smith gave me the clap, so don't sit next to him in class," is perfectly appropriate. For further suggestions, see the rules in Participation. (Profs: have a totally unreasonable cell phone policy. Either end class the moment a cell phone rings and drop everybody's grade an entire letter point, or allow cell phone use to rampage unchecked throughout your lecture. Your own cell phone use can, in fact, be a good reason to be late to class or to interrupt your lecture. As for the class listserv, this should be allowed to run unchecked, and should, if possible, include people who aren't in the class and exclude people who are. Promise repeatedly to rectify this. Don't. Don't answer email from students for at least a week, regardless of topic.)


5. Office Hours. Don't go. Ever. If you must go, stay for at least five hours and ignore subtle attempts to usher you out the door. Ignore blatant attempts. Leave when you are ready and not before, no matter who's waiting. (Professors, the number of hours you spend in your office should be inversely proportional to the number of classes you teach. If students need to see you, they can find you—kids like to play hide-and-go-seek, don't they? If you must hold office hours, hold them at inconvenient times like 8 a.m. and noon.)

There are actually a number of other classroom behaviors that irritate me, but these are the major ones. If everybody could just follow these simple rules as I've laid them out...well, I'd have to shoot myself.