Even when I'm asleep...

...you can't out-control me.

I'm a very picky sleeper. It might be because I'm also a rather uncertain sleeper prone to attacks of insomnia, but whatever the reason, I have to have things the way I like them before I can sleep, and there are very specific rules for how things should be set up.

1. Sheets Regular old cotton ONLY. No jersey, no flannel, no satin, no whatever-else-you-can-think-of. Cotton is the only thing that stays reasonably cool without sticking. (I've never slept on satin sheets, but it seems like they would stick if you got too hot. Do they stick? Who knows about this? Help me out here.) Also, NO top sheet. I'm a restless sleeper (one of my friends called me "feisty" after a sleepover once), and it's only going to end up tangled around me, or down at the bottom of the bed interfering with my foot movement. Not acceptable.

2. Pajamas I hate pajamas and don't usually wear them, largely because of the tangling issue mentioned above. Good thing I have my own room.

3. Pillows Two, or one that's high enough so that when I lay on my side, my neck is roughly in a straight line. Pillowcases follow the same rule as sheets, with the additional caveat that there be no seams or ribbons or decorations on them to annoy me and put weird creases in my face. I look strange enough already; I don't need extra help from my bedclothes.

4. Foot freedom People who tuck in blankets, sheets, and comforters are either mentally impaired or unable to feel their feet. Doesn't it bother you when the blankets are squishing down your toes? I'm not a letter; I don't want to sleep in an envelope. My feet MUST be able to get out from under the blanket. They get hot.

5. Breathing If I can't breathe, I can't sleep, although I think this is true of most people. What actually annoys me is if I'm breathing ON some part of myself (usually an exposed arm). And when I say "annoys," I mean "makes me insane to the point of tearing off body parts just so I don't have to feel my own breath." I think being breathed on, either by myself or by others, may be one of my top five pet peeves.

Those are the sleeping rules. Oddly, I don't care so much about room temperature (I can self-regulate by sticking my feet out of the blankets) or ambient light (whatever, close your eyes) or noise. But if everything else isn't exactly right, I tend to lie awake for hours, composing blog entries JUST LIKE THIS ONE.