The five o'clock shadow is going to be a weird contrast with all that taffeta

An actual IM conversation M! and I had tonight when I was trying to hold onto my sanity in the face of crippling thesis block. Edited so the responses follow in the right order, but no words changed.

M!: Whatever. He [Ahmad Rashad] kisses Michael Jordan's ass every time I see him, so I can't be bothered.
E: Can't be bothered? You would have been fabulous as a 19th century society matron.
M!: I could say, "Well I never!" with impunity.
E: Hahaha.
E: Snap your fan open and closed.
E: The mental picture is just too priceless for words.
M!: And if something is particularly offensive, like poor table manners or speaking familiarly with the help, I could put the back of my hand on my forehead and ask my nephew Phillip to take me home.
E: Where you can have a polite fainting spell and your major domo will bring smelling salts to wave under your nose. Then you can take off your corset and spend the rest of the day in bed.
M!: I would rule as a 19th c. society matron.
E: Yeah you would. Your hockey playing would probably suffer, though.
M!: Because that is definitely not appropriate behavior for someone in my social station.
E: No, plus you can't breathe deeply enough to skate when you're wearing a corset and petticoats.
M!: That's okay.
M!: The tea/gossip parties would more than make up for it.
E: I suppose. If you like tea.
M!: Eh; it's okay.
M!: I like gossip more.
E: I'm a big fan of gossip.
E: How do you feel about scones?
M!: It depends.
M!: The scones I had in Bath were awesome.
E: Mmm, scones. I like lemon ones.
E: Currants are pretty iffy, though.
M!: Totally.
E: Cranberries are a good substitute.
M!: The ones we had in Bath were plain, but they had a sweetness to them, plus with the clotted cream, they were fantastic
E: Clotted cream is like the best thing ever.
M!: Yeah it is.
E: Ooo, another good thing about being a society matron; you can be really mean and everybody kind of expects it.
M!: Exactly.
M!: And I could henpeck my husband.
M!: Which is pretty solid.
E: Who would be a girly-man, anyway.
M!: Exactly.
E: Yeah. Although you would have to spend all your time with your sisters, mother, and mother-in-law.
M!: Would I be able to push them around too?
E: Depends. If they were single, for sure.
E: Mother-in-law might be kind of scary.
M!: True, but she'd be old and have the consumption or something.
E: Yeah, she's probably not long for this world. And I bet she would have her finger on the pulse of the good gossip.
M!: True dat.
E: Yeah, we need to go back to the days of society matrons.
M!: I think that would be great.
M!: I would just hope that some precocious niece wouldn't come to stay with me, and melt the hearts of the town, including mine.
E: No, your heart is too hard. Or at least your face is too closed for anyone to tell. You are above such things.
M!: I don't know; Pollyanna has voodoo powers or something.
E: You have 20,000£ a year! What do you care! Send her to finishing school on the continent.
M!: There you go.
E: Uppity child.
M!: She doesn't have too damn much respect for her place, that's for sure.
E: You told your sister not to marry that army lieutenant, and now she's got nine brats that she can't take care of, and this one's getting all uppity? It's beyond the pale, indeed.
M!: Not hungry for supper?! Well, I never!
M!: Yeah.
M!: That would be great.

M2 (on being told the conversation topic): Are we all the way sure on M!'s sexual orientation?