Things that probably aren't a good idea

I got a bike on Tuesday. It's a purple 21-speed with a bell and a shelf-thing on the back. My big goals now are a) buy a basket for it and b) avoid falling off in front of anybody.

Note that I didn't say "avoid falling off." That's because I like to make goals that are somewhat attainable. Before Tuesday, I hadn't ridden a bike in well over 10 years, and it's only by the sheer grace of God that I don't have skinned knees or a broken wrist as we speak. As it is, I freak out when any of these things happen while I am riding the bike:

—I have to ride off a curb
—I have to ride around a puddle
—I have to ride through a puddle
—I have to turn a corner
—I have to ride in the street
—I have to ride on the sidewalk
—I have to go down a hill with a grade of more than 1°

Lance Armstrong I'm not, is all I'm saying.

But do I wear a helmet? No, I do not. Paging Darwin.