Because I've written this, I'll be going to Third Hell

What is up with church names in Texas, y'all? I'm Catholic, so maybe I'm not getting it, but is there some sort of prize for creative/bizarre names for your church? I mean, I attended St. Mary's Catholic Church and St. Patrick Catholic Church for my entire growing up, plus I'm from Nebraska where everything is sensible and cornfed. We do not, as a rule, name our churches after anything other than saints or members of the Holy Trinity. "Sacred Heart" is a break-out where I'm from.

Churches down south here are evidently having some sort of Bizzaro Name Contest in which the Catholics were not invited to participate. Sometimes it's just excessive wordiness: Fellowship Bible Church North (in Plano). Presumably there are Fellowship Bible Churches in all directions that necessitated this one putting "North" on the end, but frankly, this is why we have addresses, people. If this goes any farther, we're going to have "Fellowship Bible Church North-Northeast, But Mostly North" in a few years. Another entrant in the locational-church names category: Houston's "City on a Hill Bible Church." I don't know what city they're referring to, because by and large, Houston is flah-at.

Another thing I find weird is numbered churches. Catholics don't do this, either. Right down the street from me is the Third Baptist Church. Third? Did they lose a race? It's not in the Third Ward, so I don't think it's locational. They're just third. Personally, I would develop some sort of a complex. "Well, I'm Third Baptist. Too sinful to be second Baptist and too poor to be First Baptist. I'll be going to Third Heaven." And by the same token, how come someone gets to be the First Baptist Church? I'm almost certain that the Baptist faith wasn't founded here in Houston. Like, 99.9% sure. How come you get to be first, Fancypants? Isn't that a little egotistical? I'm pretty sure Jesus said "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." I couldn't tell you where, though, because I'm Catholic and we don't read the Bible. In any case, third heaven for you, too.

Last weekend, though, I found the total and absolute winner for Weird Church Names of the South. Ladies and gentlemen, from Tyler, Texas, I present: Church on the Move.

This is not, as you might reasonably suspect, a church in an RV or some sort of travelling church visiting shut-ins across East Texas. No, it appears to be a typically affixed church of unspecified denomination. I like to think that they're required to dance for the entire service on Sunday mornings, and that perhaps the altar is on some sort of Lazy Susan that moves. Either that or they get a new building every year like a college student.

So yeah. I'm sure there are churches with weirder names out there (because the internet told me so, Driven Life Church of Canton, Texas), but these are ones that I've seen personally, for the most part. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a mass to attend at Our Lady Star of the Sea Catholic Church.