Dear Bono: You're indoors. Take off the glasses, ass.

If I see the U2 Ipod commercial one more time, I'm going to...do something drastic. Dye my hair again. Something. "Uno, dos, tres." Fine, fine, fine. "Catorce!" Uh...what? One, two, three, fourteen? Who counts like that? I can count in several languages, and in none of them are the numbers ordered "one, two, three, fourteen." Evidently the Spanish have made some adjustments lately. I hear their alphabet now goes A, B, C, K. Oh, they're hip, those Spaniards, and Bono's the hippest of them all.

What's that you say? Bono is Irish? REALLY. Interesting.

Honestly, I don't understand the whole U2 craze. As I was thinking about it, I asked my music guru his opinion of them. "U2 does not absolutely suck, but they come pretty close." Word. Their songs all sound the same, and that sound? Not good. The music is generic and the lyrics uninspired. And before you get going, I realize U2's been around a long time, and maybe they did found the genre. But even if they were first...meh. Or actually, blech. It makes it worse—they started this lowest-common-denominator genre. It's like the first guy to make a disco record. Or the first Wayans brother.

As I write, I am listening to the one U2 song I can remotely stand, "So Cruel." I think I tolerate it because it is not, like most U2 songs, processed to the point of EZ Cheese. Don't get me wrong, it's still an American Cheese single, but that can make a decent cheese sandwich. (yes, I'm eating a cheese sandwich made from Kraft American Cheese. Take your metaphors where you can get them, kids.) Most everything else, though, is painfully boring.

And if it's not boring, it's fascinating in the way that plastic surgery gone wrong is fascinating. You know that woman's eyes aren't supposed to be touching her hairline, and yet you can't. Stop. Staring. "Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me, Kill Me" is like that. First of all, it's on the Batman Forever soundtrack. I watched that movie Sunday while Tex was reformatting my computer (it was on UPN, home of all quality programming), and let me tell you. No. Just no. I liked the movie in seventh grade when it came out, which is also about the last time that I liked U2. Keep in mind, this was also the year that I liked big fat scrunchies and Chris, who played chess at the library on Saturdays and made Cs in social studies (social studies!). What did I know?

Anyway, U2 has a new album coming out now, and based on the commercial, it sounds like the same pseudorock pseudoedgy schlock they've been putting out since at least 1993. If you like that kind of thing, feel free to download it and play it on their overpriced, underuseful Ipod.

Just don't expect me not to roll my eyes at you.

*Please note, I made two errors in this blog, and my co-workers caught them and taunted me mercilessly. Thanks, guys.