In which I make my mother ashamed of me again, but my sister is happy
because I've finally posted some shit (*rimshot*)

^{Warning: this post discusses bodily functions and is probably WAY more information than you ever wanted. Seriously. I only posted it because my sister said I needed to write something, and then informed me that she had to poop. It sort of took off from there. You've been warned.}

I've discussed how my family isn't crazy about saying "I love you," but that doesn't mean we're not a little too close in other ways. Burping, for example. My mother's commpletly given up trying to civilize us—she doesn't even look at us pointedly any more when we let a solid belch fly. Secretly I think she thinks we're funny. I swear I saw her chuckle when my brother informed my fiancee that he was excusing himself permanently, and would henceforth belch when and where he pleased without a by your leave. By her leave, I guess. Whatever. Maybe my mom was just having a little schadenfreude moment at my sister-in-law's expense.

E4 has also gotten in on the act. She rewards burps that have good volume and length by saying "Good push." When I asked her what that even meant, she gave me a level look and said, "It's like a little 'I love you.'" Ah, the witty runs in the family. It's on the gene right next to the "laugh at farts" sequence.

My other sister takes the bodily functions rudeness to an entirely new level, as is her wont. Usually in the middle of a conversation. We're chatting about a new pair of pants and out of the blue she goes, "Hey, did you hear about the Browns? They're going to the Super Bowl. I'll be right back." I was momentarily confused, and then more-than-momentarily grossed out. Of course, thinking about it now, I don't know why I should be surprised. She's a product of the family that once spent an entire meal at a restaurant discussing pooping. My brother was trying to convince us it was "fun." I kid you not.

I'm impressed, actually, by how much this excessive misbehavior colors my attitudes. I once decided that I didn't like a friend's boyfriend because he didn't laugh at a fart joke on Scrubs. ("There's your heated seat, my friend."/"It's everywhere!") I was eventually proven right—the guy was entirely too uptight to be dating my friend. One might even say he was...anal. Oh, please, you knew it was coming. I also try to choose friends who will embrace my talent for burping, because frankly, I'm good at it, and I like to do it. It's not quite as good a bodily function as sneezing, but it certainly gets a better reaction from people. I've had more than a few instances where I've burped at my friends in public, forgetting that not everybody does that. It's embarrasing, but it's also funny as shit. Literally.

I think we've all heard that thing about how in some cultures it's a compliment to the chef when you burp, although I can't remember if it's the Japanese or the Native Americans or just the Rednecks. In my family, it's a huge compliment when we burp around you at all. It means we like you. It means we trust you. It means we're gassy.
And if you ever hear one of us fart...you're adopted.